shit kaj says.

• 2012-05-17

  kaj doesn’t like the picture I put up so here are all the other ones from the trip.

• 2012-05-14

  kaj: Before y’all came I made a post in the good mood thread and I haven’t posted since
  kaj: so I made another post in the good mood thread that said “Nobody will ever find the bodies.”

• →

  

  this is the guy who says all the clever things on this page.

• 2012-04-17

  kaj: We bought a bench press and a bar but we only had thirty pounds of weight
  kaj: so I went to Dick’s Sporting Goods and bought more
  kaj: I told my dad “I got ninety pounds of weight from Dick’s” and he said “You have more than one?”

• 2012-04-15

  Your mic sounds horrible. It sounds like you’re talking through a bowl of rice crispies.

  — kaj

• 2012-04-10

  Oh jesus your pocket sized computer that sends and receives information from orbiting satellites via radiation in the fucking air can’t receive the information you want. Guess you’ll have to spend fifteen minutes actually thinking about stuff. You know, unless you decide to text somebody or listen to music or watch youtube videos or play angry birds.

  — kaj

• →

  kaj: I’ve been papering for an hour.
  kaj: I’ve written 250 words.
  kaj: If I was as good at half assing as I was at writing I would be done living by now.

• 2012-04-09

  kaj: I hope you get so much shit from tumblr about how you don’t update shit kaj says because I am saying so much shit to you for once and you are just giving me nothing to work with.
  kyle: you’re giving me song lyrics
  kaj: I’m giving you fibrodysplasia ossificans progressiva.
  kaj: And I hope you end up in a wheel chair, because I’m just going to push you around and talk behind your back all day.

• 2012-04-01

  kyle: blow my popsicle stand
  kaj: I’m gonna wreck your cabbage shit fuckmouth.
  kyle: that’s totally not a sentence dude
  kaj: I’m gonna wreck your cabbage shit, fuckmouth.
  kyle: closer
  kaj: Don’t be a retard.
  kaj: I
  kaj: intend to engage
  kaj: in wrecking
  kaj: the cabbage shit
  kaj: that you hold dear
  kaj: you fuckmouth.
  kaj: Bitch tibia.
  kyle: bitch to terabithia
  kaj: Hop on my glottis and go for a fuck ride.
  kyle: that’s probably a sentence
  kaj: I swear to god if you don’t get off my grammar balls I’m gonna push a dick out my ass right up against your forehead.
  kaj: I mean I can totally get a white guy to back his ass up against the side of your car and shit into your gas tank, is that what you want?
  kaj: Because it seems like that’s what you want.

• 2012-03-27

  kaj: I saw a hipster girl vomit in the street and then order a pastry.
  kaj: It was too deep for me I guess.

• 2012-03-03

  I just mixed vodka, grape juice, and diet sierra mist. I think I just made nyquil.

  — kaj

• 2012-02-06

  Science museums are cool, history and art museums can suck the fat from my arteries.

  — kaj

• 2012-02-05

  kaj: Wow.
  kaj: I just tuned into the superbowl.
  kaj: I don’t ever want to tune into the superbowl again.
  ZebraEata: I’m glad you’ve learned your lesson
  Tentacles: if you don’t watch football, I don’t know why you would tune into the football event
  kaj: Commercials.
  kaj: Avengers trailer.
  kaj: It’s halftime right now though.
  Tentacles: well that’s your fault then
  kaj: It is my fault for forgetting how the vast majority of people are.
  kaj: Oh.
  kaj: This is…
  kaj: Christina Agulera and LMFAO at the same time.
  kaj: This is what was in the ark of the covenant.
  kaj: Wait, that’s Madona.
  kaj: Madonna.
  kaj: Madonna is still alive.
  kaj: Oddly enough, just the other day Batman: The Animated Series taught me that you cannot read in your dreams.
  kaj: If I hadn’t seen that episode, I could have spent who knows how long wondering if this was a nighmare.
  kaj: And trying to wake up.
  kaj: But now I can skip all that nervous confusion and just cut right to overwhelming disgust.
  kaj: Is that Cee Lo Green?
  kaj: I just lost a whole lot of respect for Cee Lo Green.
  kaj: I feel like this is
  kaj: okay, you know those “Would you chop your dick off for a million dollars?” things?
  kaj: I feel like somebody said “You get the chance to perform at the superbowl half time show
  kaj: BUT
  kaj: you have to perform with Madonna and LMFAO.”
  kaj: And now he’s in a commercial with Battle Without Honor Or Humanity and Betty White
  kaj: and the Howie Yell
  kaj: What the fuck, the superbowl is the most surreal thing I have ever
  kaj: am I in the twilight zone?
  Tentacles: you’re in Twlight
  kaj: No, no, that’s not possible, I have more than one dimension.

• 2012-02-01

  kaj: Today I woke up at five in the morning and discovered my left nut was trying to crawl up inside me.
  kaj: I told it to stoppit a few times and it didn’t so I rolled over and googled “testicular pain and elevation”
  kaj: and the internet told me that it was either testicular torsion, which is where your nuts breakdance and hurt themselves, or a simple bacterial infection.
  kaj: So I took some advil and went back to bed.
  kaj: Then at noon I got up and went to immediate care
  kaj: and I told the nurse “I’m having testicular pain and elevation, I think it’s a bacterial infection.”
  kaj: and the nurse was like “Yeah you’re probably right, go back there.”
  kaj: So I went back there.
  kaj: And then another nurse came in and I told her “I’m having testicular pain and elevation, I think it’s a bacterial infection.”
  kaj: and she’s like “Yeah you’re probably right, I’ll go get the doctor.”
  kaj: So I played solitaire for half an hour.
  kaj: Then the doctor came in I told him “I’m having testicular pain and elevation, I think it’s a bacterial infection”
  kaj: and the doctor told me “Mkay, there’s a thing called a ‘back-tee-ree-ull in-feck-shun’”
  kaj: and I told him “Yeah I think that’s what I have because the only other thing that these are symptoms for is testicular torsion and I felt around and I don’t think I have that. Plus it’s like a .75% chance.”
  kaj: and the doctor told me “Mkay, there’s a thing called ‘tess-tick-yew-lur tor-shin’”
  kaj: And then he told me that he wanted me to get a ballbag ultrasound to see if it’s testicular torsion
  kaj: and I told him “Dude, the treatment for bacterial infection is antibiotics, can you give me those? It’s not like it’ll adversely affect testicular torsion and I am having trouble walking.”
  kaj: and he’s like “I’m gonna make you an appointment for that ultrasound”
  kaj: and then he’s like “Oh by the way we don’t do that here. You’re gonna have to go to the Swedish American Hospital on State Street, near the Road Ranger”
  kaj: So I drove to the Swedish American Hospital on State Street, near the Road Ranger
  kaj: and I went in and told the nurse I had an appointment for a lapsack ultrasound
  kaj: and she’s like “we don’t do that here. You’re gonna have to go to the Swedish American Hospital on State Street near the Road Ranger on the OTHER end of town.”
  kaj: So I drove to the swediasdf amaerjo hospeoi on asdte stera near the roaie rangea on the OTHER end of town.
  kaj: And I went in and told them I have an appointment for a nard satchel ultrasound
  kaj: and then I played solitaire for half an hour
  kaj: and then a nice fat girl rubbed a jelly-covered microphone on my aching balls for twenty minutes
  Kokopure: sounds pleasant.
  kaj: and then she’s like “Okay you go ahead and wipe that jelly off with these rags and we’ll call the doctor at immediate care and tell him about all this torsion you don’t have”
  kaj: and then I played solitaire for half an hour
  kaj: and the doctor from immediate care calls and says “Mkay you don’t have testicular torsion so we’re gonna go ahead and treat you with a thing called ‘an-tee-bi-aw-tix’”
  kaj: “ya know, like you asked us to several hours ago”
  kaj: so I drove back to immediate care and picked up my antibiotics and drove home.
  kaj: I did not win any games of solitaire.
  kaj: The end.
  Kokopure: are you on the antibiotics now?
  kaj: I am trying to open
  kaj: the fucking bottle.
  Kokopure: you child :V
  kaj: God fucking damn.
  kaj: I need somebody to hug all of me but my nuts quietly for the rest of today.

• 2012-01-30

  kaj: I can cook three things.
  kaj: One is a delicious steak, one is a BLT with eggs fried into the bread, and one is a bacon log.
  kyle: that blt sounds pretty good
  kaj: I am eating it right now.
  kaj: I cook it every day because it’s fantastic.
  kaj: And also because I promised some people I wouldn’t kill myself but I don’t think it counts if I Elvis myself to death with bad food.